The Memphis Zoo

"Um, he's naked," the stranger in the Zoo bathroom hollered at me from down the way. "Is that what you want?"

I ignored her in my quest to help my other toddler out of his wet swimsuit and into his dry clothes before she could notice that this one is also naked.

 My three-year-old twins had just finished playing in the fountain at the Teton Trek at the Memphis Zoo.

If I spent a proportionate amount of time reviewing the Memphis Zoo as it takes to actually enjoy each exhibit there, I'd be writing a long time. We spent four hours there today and saw roughly a third of the attractions. Additionally, we ate no food and rode no rides. Imagine, if the kids had been in a great mood, how tired I would be right now. Scratch that. I'm that tired anyway.

For starters, if you have a big family, get a Zoo membership. It costs $79 for the whole family for the whole year. It would cost our family almost that much for just one trip! This year, we added the grandparents for an additional $20 for the whole year. A grandparent has yet to join us, but I like keeping my options open.

Second, expect to pay $5 for parking, unless, of course, you are a member. You can apply your parking fee to your membership on the day you join.

Third--and this is very important--your children will have two opportunities to play in the water. Bring swimsuits and a change of clothes for them so that they won't be forced to tour the Zoo with that funny, parentheses, bow-legged, wet swimsuit rash walk. As you enter the Zoo, a wishing fountain greets you, and the pennies will call to your children to dive in and rescue them. Don't do it. Move on to the River Replica, which flows into another fountain pool. You are welcome to splash in this one. When you are finished, towel off, change clothes, and continue to your first exhibit. If you head to the right and walk a very long time, you'll hit the new Teton Trek exhibit, which also features a splash pad with four intermittent fountains created for outdoor play. The sign says a 35-foot geyser replicates the Old Faithful geyser at Yellowstone, but for the hour we played, we never saw it. Four smaller geysers entertained our kids.

Be aware that if you're planning to take all your small children into the bathroom with you to help them change clothes, you cannot go into the lodge, where the bathrooms are located, in wet clothing or shoes, because the floors are very slippery. There is an unadvertised door directly into the restroom area from the fountain area, but we weren't smart enough to find it before we entered. We located it on our way back out! Also be aware that the bathroom stalls are no larger than normal, and you will likely be helping your children change into dry clothing in the somewhat more spacious area directly in front of the sink. However, this puts your little ones immediately in front of the bathroom door, where they will be flattened should someone enter hastily.

Not a great setup for a changing room. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth, download the iPhone app for the Memphis Zoo, and you'll know exactly what time you need to be where for Keeper Chats and feedings. Caveat: don't bust your tail with your small children trying to make it to a feeding. We had twenty minutes to make it from one end of the Zoo, the farm area, to the other end, the polar bears, for the feeding. My children were hot, tired, and hungry. If we had stopped to eat, we would have missed the polar bear feeding, but their moods would have improved greatly. As it was, I pushed on so that we made it on time for the polar bear feeding, but my children were only interested in eating, and not one of them even glanced at the polar bear! Believe it. It happened.

You can also locate your friends at the Zoo also using a PIN number through the App. I didn't try that. I did this old-fashioned thing called "a phone call." It's really nifty--you can actually hear your friend's voice on the phone and they can tell you where they are!

Fifth, the Zoo has several climate-controlled buildings for hot summer days and cold winter days, and they also have strategically placed misters during the summer. They stay open all year, and they offer January Zoo camps, so you might want to plan to jet from one building to the next if you go in the winter. We enjoyed the Tropical Bird House, the Polar Bear/Sea Lion viewing area, and the Teton Trek Lodge in the air conditioning. You could also enjoy the Farm house, the Herpeterium (reptiles), and the Aquarium.

Sixth (okay, these numbers are driving me crazy--it's like a three-point sermon on steroids!), you can rent a stroller or a wheelchair, or you can just bring your own. You can also bring your own lunch, but they restrict access to the nicest patio to customers using their restaurant, which includes a Backyard Burger at inflated prices. The playground is open to everyone, of course, and it was updated in April 2011. I promised my children we would play on it at the end of the trip, and we all completely forgot--so we'll just have to go back! That's why we have a membership!

If you live near Memphis, go to the Zoo. You won't be disappointed.

If you're visiting Memphis, go to the Zoo. You won't be disappointed, either.

You can view more information at MemphisZoo.org. Admission for ages 12-59 is $15, for children 2-11 is $10, and for seniors is $14. (And that's why we bought a membership for $79.) Summer hours are 9-5, and winter hours are 9-4. Also worth noting: you cannot wear clothing that shows your underwear (don't tell my toddlers!), and they have free admission for Tenn. residents on Tuesday afternoons.

Mom tips:
1. Bring a swimsuit, towel, and change of clothes.
2. Avoid Tuesday afternoons (free day) and Fridays (school field trips.)
3. Bring cash for the carousel ($5), train (at the farm) ($2), and Zoo-wide tram ($2).
4. Download the iPhone App to view feeding and Keeper Chat schedules, but don't bust your tail (and in the process make everyone grumpy) to follow it.
5. Bring a picnic lunch, lots of water, and snacks if you're planning a full-day visit.
6. Always wear clothes that cover your underwear, or they will eject you from the Zoo. Then you would never again be able to convince your toddlers to wear pants.

UPDATE: Zoo Membership prices rose to $99 for a family membership, plus $20 for one additional guest.